Send Nudes! Or… Maybe Don’t

The COVID-19 pandemic has confined many aspects of our daily functioning to virtual platforms, and our sex lives are no exception. While individuals who live with their partners have been able to maintain close physical contact, those who live alone have been increasingly turning to virtual sexual activities, such as sexting in the form of sending nude photos (Lehmiller et al., 2020). Evidently, sexting is becoming an increasingly attractive alternative to in-person sexual activities as it avoids the risk of contracting “the world’s biggest cock block” (GVDV, 2020), otherwise known as the novel coronavirus. While many individuals may now be considering this option, it appears that people often receive conflicting messages about whether to send or refrain from sending nude images (Thomas, 2018). This is not surprising considering the literature on this topic is divided, with most researchers narrowly focusing on the risks involved and framing sexting as a negative practice. While it is true that there are risks involved, the matter is more complex than that, with both risks and benefits that should be considered within the context of individual circumstances. Especially while sexting remains one of the safer options for sexual activity due to the global pandemic, it is important to consider the risks and benefits in a balanced manner. In order to understand safe sexting, I will be examining past research and discussing the associated risks and benefits followed by a brief consideration of which circumstances provide good or bad opportunities for sexting. Note: For the purpose of this blog, I will be discussing sexting in terms of sending nude or sexually suggestive images or videos.

Risks:

Much of the literature on sexting frames this practice as inherently risky, focusing on the negative consequences, so I will begin with an overview of these (Kalish, 2020). One of the most unavoidable risks involved in sexting is that the receiver may share and/or forward images. Although Canada has laws that protect against the sharing of nude images without the photographed person’s consent, research shows the likelihood of this happening anyway is remarkably high (Government of Canada, 2021). A recent study examining 770 young adults aged 18-25 found that 98% reported having shared or forwarded a sext in the past, (Brenick et al., 2020). While their definition of sexting included sexually suggestive texts as well as images and/or videos, this shows a disturbingly high willingness amongst young adults to share intimate messages without the sender’s consent. In another study surveying 606 high school students, 25% indicated they had forwarded a nude photo received via cell phone (Strassberg et al., 2013). While this number appears comfortingly lower than that of the previous study, sexting amongst high school students involves a whole host of other legal issues, which I will discuss next.

Sexting amongst minors is where this practice becomes the most problematic, as there can be major legal consequences. In Canada, if you are under 18 years old and you are creating, possessing, and/or distributing sexually explicit visual representations of yourself or another minor, you can be charged with a child pornography offense. The only time this does not apply is within the “personal use” exception, which permits two youths who engage in lawful sexual activity to record themselves as long as that recording is solely for personal use. As soon as this content is shared with anyone beyond the individuals recorded, it can be considered as a case of child pornography (Government of Canada, 2017). This exception does not apply to situations in which a minor sends a sexually explicit image or video of themself to another minor, since the recipient was not depicted in or involved in creating the content (Steingard, 2019). Surprisingly, most adolescents are not even aware that sexts can be considered child pornography, which indicates that they may be engaging in sexting without knowing the risks involved (Strohmaier et al., 2014).

Benefits:

On the bright side, there appear to be many benefits of this practice that adolescents can look forward to after their 18th birthday. Evidence suggests that most of the time, experiences with sexting are evaluated more positively than negatively (Hudson & Marshall, 2018). Negative outcomes really only occupy so much of the literature because, on the off chance that they do occur, they can be exceptionally harmful, (Hudson & Marshall, 2018). Some of the aforementioned negative outcomes have led people to feel more self-conscious about their bodies, find themselves in trouble with an employer, or experience extremely poor mental health (Hudson & Marshall, 2018). However, these outcomes occur far less frequently than positive outcomes, so exploring some of these positive outcomes is highly worthwhile!

Research indicates when sexting does go well, it can be beneficial for oneself and their relationship. A recent study found that many individuals who engage in sexting report that the positive feedback they receive from sending nude images has boosted their self-esteem and confidence (Holmes et al., 2021). In the same study, participants noted that sexting led to more openness and trust within their relationships (Holmes et al., 2021). Many reported that sexting fostered enhanced communication about sexual desires in the relationship and/or helped them to achieve sexual gratification when their partners were away (Holmes et al., 2021).

Achieving sexual gratification and relationship satisfaction when partners are away has gained a whole new meaning since the COVID-19 pandemic, as social distancing measures have made it impossible for some couples to maintain in-person contact. This has led to a lot of people questioning whether sexting might be a good alternative to in-person sexual activities.

Past literature indicates that, indeed, sexting is a good alternative in this case, as many couples report that sexting has been a great way to feel close when they are apart (Currin et al., 2019). Couples who sext when they are unable to be together report that it adds excitement to the relationship, maintains intimacy, and sometimes “holds them over” until they can see each other in person again (Currin et al., 2019). Ultimately, this research suggests that sexting may be particularly beneficial for couples who are facing limited options for intimacy due to the COVID-19 pandemic.

So… Should You Send Nudes?

Taken together, the research suggests that if you are contemplating sending a nude image, consider your situation. If you are underage or if anyone involved has not given their clear consent, sexting is not a good idea. Furthermore, due to the high number of people who have admitted to sharing or forwarding a sext, if you do not have an established level of trust with the receiver, then the risks of sending a nude image seem to outweigh the benefits. While a fun, flirty, sexually suggestive image may sometimes feel harmless, the consequences, particularly in these aforementioned situations, can be enormous. On the other hand, if you are two consenting adults in a relationship and the benefits I listed highly appeal to you, then sexting may be a good option. In these situations, the risks are comparatively minimal, and especially while there is a highly contagious virus sweeping across the globe, sexting appears to be a great way to maintain intimacy from a distance.

Bigger Picture: Sexting and COVID-19

Ultimately, options for partnered sexual activity right now might feel like trying to pick between the lesser of two evils. In-person contact involves the risk of contracting a potentially deadly virus, making sexting look more appealing. On the other hand, the literature on sexting frames this practice as inherently negative, narrowly focusing on the risks involved. Taking a step back and looking at the literature in a balanced manner highlights that sexting can be a positive sexual activity as long as it occurs under appropriate circumstances. As this practice becomes more enticing since it conveniently does not run the risk of contracting any deadly viruses, it is important that individuals understand both the risks and benefits involved. Once people have a balanced understanding that takes individual circumstances into account, then they can make informed decisions about whether or not this sexual practice is a good option for them.

 Abby Oliver, BAH, Queen's University

References

Brenick, A., Flannery, K. M., Karr, E., & Carvalheiro, D. (2020). Send Nudes? Evaluating sexting and victimization as related to attachment and rejection sensitivity: Incorporating sexual minority perspectives. In M.F. Wright (Ed.) Recent Advances in Digital Media Impacts on Identity, Sexuality, and Relations. Hershey, PA: IGI Global.

Currin, J., Pascarella, L., & Hubach, R. (2020). “To feel close when miles apart”: qualitative analysis of motivations to sext in a relationship. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 35(2), 244–257. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681994.2020.1714024

Government of Canada. (2017, January 19). Cyberbullying and the Non-consensual Distribution  of Intimate Images. Department of Justice. https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/other-autre/cndii-cdncii/p6.html.

Government of Canada. (2021, February 18). Criminal Code. Justice Laws Website. https://laws-lois.justice.gc.ca/eng/acts/C-46/section-162.1.html.

GVDV. (2020, April 29). How Do We Online Date Now that COVID-19 Became the World's Biggest Cock Block? Medium. https://medium.com/moments-of-passion/covid-19-is-the-worlds-biggest-cock-block-922258d38bcb.

Hudson, H., & Marshall, S. (2018). Consequences and predictors of sexting among selected southern undergraduates. International Journal of Sexual Health, 30(1), 20–27. https://doi.org/10.1080/19317611.2017.1404540

Strohmaier, H., Murphy, M., & DeMatteo, D. (2014). Youth Sexting: Prevalence Rates, Driving Motivations, and the Deterrent Effect of Legal Consequences. Sexuality Research & Social Policy, 11(3), 245–255. https://doi.org/10.1007/s13178-014-0162-9

Kalish, R. (2018). Sexting 101, or how to send nudes. In Young Adult Sexuality in the Digital Age (pp. 13–29). essay, IGI Global, Information Science Reference.

Lehmiller, J. J., Garcia, J. R., Gesselman, A. N., & Mark, K. P. (2020). Less sex, but more sexual diversity: Changes in sexual behavior during the covid-19 coronavirus pandemic. Leisure Sciences, 1-10. doi:10.1080/01490400.2020.1774016

Steingard, J. (2019, December 2). Sexting: What's the big deal? LawNow Magazine. https://www.lawnow.org/sexting-whats-the-big-deal/#:~:text=It%20is%20illegal%20to%20take,possess%20child%20pornography.

Strassberg, D., McKinnon, R., Sustaíta, M., & Rullo, J. (2013). Sexting by high school students: An exploratory and descriptive study. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 42(1), 15–21. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-012-9969-8

Thomas, S., & Thomas, S. (2018). “What should I do?”: Young women’s reported dilemmas with nude photographs. Sexuality Research & Social Policy, 15(2), 192–207. https://doi.org/10.1007/s13178-017-0310-0

Should women be selfish during sex?

During sex, women tend to focus more on their partner’s pleasure than on their own (Chivers et al., 2010). They are often worried about things like how they look, how well they perform and what their partner feels and thinks, rather than enjoying the intimacy and pleasurable sensations of the moment. As a result, women often do not attain sexual satisfaction and consistently experience lower levels of sexual satisfaction than males (Leveque and Pedersen, 2012).

A myriad of other factors are also at play, including societal beliefs and standards, a tendency to overly ruminate, and anxiety causing females to be "self-critical," "overly goal-oriented," or "sexually anxious" (Leavitt et al., 2019). The source of motivation for seeking sex also matters: Patrick et al. (2007) found that male college students have rather self-focused reasons whereas female freshmen have more partner-focused reasons" (Leveque and Pedersen, 2012). This appears to continue throughout their lives, as adult men are also found to promote self-focused reasons for sex and report more sexual satisfaction than females (Robinson et al., 2007).

Recent research has found that sexual mindfulness and self-focused sexual goals may contribute to increased female sexual satisfaction. Therefore, the question stands: should women be selfish during sex?

Two tendencies have been identified as the culprits of getting in the way of women being mindful of themselves and their sensations and desires, and thus enjoying sex as much as men: multi-tasking and rumination. We live in a time where the average human attention span is eight seconds, one second less than the "notoriously ill-focused goldfish" (McSpadden, 2015)! The problem with that is that we lose our ability to be mindful. Minds often drift away during sex, thinking about "what to cook for dinner?" or about more profound issues like: "I need to orgasm today" (Ogilivie, 2018). This multi-tasking, in which we are not fully completing one task, rather quickly switching between tasks, can interfere with attaining sexual satisfaction. In addition to multi-tasking, it is generally accepted that women tend to ruminate more than men (Shors et al., 2017). Ruminations are "thoughts that are rehearsed over and over again, often to the exclusion of more productive thoughts" (Shors et al., 2017). Not only are they distracting, but as Ogilivie (2018) pointed out, negative expectations or low sexual self-esteem (“does my partner think I’m good enough?”)  can negatively affect their sexual satisfaction (Ogilivie, 2018).

Taken together, it is clear that a lack of focus during sex can get in the way of enjoying sex and that an optimal level of selfishness during sex is required to attain sexual satisfaction (Leveque and Pedersen, 2012). But this is easier said than done. While most people look for a 'quick fix,' sexual mindfulness and using self-focused sexual goals are interventions that take skill and time to master.

Mindfulness, in its most basic form, is a meditation practice that encourages paying attention and doing so in a non-judgemental way (Ogilivie, 2018). Sexual mindfulness is a subtype of mindfulness in which the practice involves remaining mindful during sex, a context that is often charged high in anxiety (Leavitt et al., 2019). Sexual mindfulness plays an integral role in sexual wellbeing, relational well-being and self-esteem (Leavitt et al., 2019). In particular, it has been found to address some of the anxiety and self-critical thoughts that can interfere with positive sexual experiences and alleviate cognitive interference during sex (Leavitt et al., 2019). This allows the individual to be more aware of the present sensations and emotions and less on non-relevant external stimuli. Interestingly, a study found that mindful awareness during sex plays a more important role in women's ability to achieve sexual satisfaction than it plays in men's (Leavitt et al., 2019). Similarly, self-focus goals can help increase sexual satisfaction in women. These goals relate to the self rather than the partner or the relationship, such as having sex for one's own pleasure, or to feel better about oneself, etc. (Corsini-Munt et al., 2020). They differ from interpersonal goals, which "are goals related to the partner," such as pursuing sex for intimacy or to avoid a partner's disappointment (Corsini-Munt et al., 2020). A study by Corsini-Munt et al. (2020), focusing specifically on sexual self-focus goals in couples coping with Provoked Vestibulodynia (PVD), found that when women reported greater self-focused goals, they reported lower pain intensity during sexual intercourse. This is due to the self-focused goals allowing them to focus more on positive sexual stimuli, such as pleasurable sensations, "rather than the pain itself" (Corsini-Munt et al., 2020). Moreover, the study found that by focusing on the personal benefits of sexual activity, women experienced enhanced sexual desire and arousal and less pain-related cognitions, like catastrophizing or ruminating. Interventions could look to extrapolate these findings to individuals not suffering from PVD but wanting to experience satisfying sex.

While numerous articles claim that being selfish in the sack is bad or unfair to the partner, recent studies have dispelled these myths. In fact, being attentive to one's own physical and emotional sensations can directly enhance one's sexual and romantic relationship (Leavitt et al., 2019). As such, self-focused goals are compatible with caring about a partner's sexual and psychological well-being (Corsini-Munt et al., 2020). Therefore, women should view focusing on one's own sexual experience as 'self-focused' rather than 'selfish.'

Promoting self-focused goals may be helpful in directing women's attention away from sex being "overly goal-oriented," experiencing it as "sexually anxious" situations, and being "self-critical" (Leavitt et al., 2019). Interventions that use sexual mindfulness and self-focused sexual goals could lead to personal and sexual wellbeing, relational wellbeing, as well as decreasing the discrepancy between male and female sexual satisfaction and function. Implementing those interventions to women at a young age could lead to a significant decrease in sexual dissatisfaction and dysfunction at a later age. With increased societal influences, particularly the media as to 'what sex should be like' or 'how to act,' teaching young women to be 'self-focused' rather than focusing on their partner during sex could lead to a reduction of a plethora of concerns related to sexual functioning and health, including rumination and being self-critical, something many young females are extremely susceptible to. Moreover, self-focused based interventions could be helpful in addressing relational wellbeing (Leavitt et al., 2021). While sexual mindfulness may seem similar to sensate focus, an exercise often used in sex therapy, it differs in that sexual mindfulness does not require a partner's participation; rather putting the onerous of cognitions on yourself and the sensations occurring around you in that present moment. Hence, individuals could use sexual mindfulness and self-focus goals to practice breathing if feeling anxious, be aware of their physical sensations, and learn to let go of self-judgement without the cooperation of a partner (Leavitt et al., 2019). Finally, these interventions could be used to decrease the infamous 'Pleasure Gap' and 'Orgasm Gap' between women and men. The ‘orgasm gap’ is the result of women orgasming significantly “less frequently than men who have sex with women” (Gusakova & Matsick, 2016). As a result, a ‘pleasure gap’ emerges in which women overall feel less satisfaction with their sexual lives than men. While biologically, orgasms are more challenging to attain for most females and should not be viewed as the 'goal' of having sex, it is a pleasurable sensation that many women desire. Both sexual mindfulness and self-focused goals could be used to attain this outcome.

Overall, being 'self-focused' during sex is not being 'selfish' or bad and will not negatively affect your partner or your relationship. Rather, self-focused interventions can promote self-awareness for cognition, emotions and bodily sensations and help lead to a heightened sexually satisfying experience.

Sophia Mauritz, Queen’s University, BScH Psychology.

References

Chivers, M., Seto, M., Lalumière, M., Laan, E., & Grimbos, T. (2010). Agreement of Self-Reported and Genital Measures of Sexual Arousal in Men and Women: A Meta-Analysis. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 39(1), 5–56. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-009-9556-9

Corsini-Munt, S., Bergeron, S., & Rosen, N. (2020). Self-Focused Reasons for Having Sex: Associations Between Sexual Goals and Women's Pain and Sexual and Psychological Wellbeing for Couples Coping With Provoked Vestibulodynia. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 17(5), 975–984. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jsxm.2020.01.017

Leavitt, C., Lefkowitz, E., & Waterman, E. (2019). The role of sexual mindfulness in sexual wellbeing, Relational wellbeing, and self-esteem. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 45(6), 497–509. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2019.1572680

Leavitt, C., Whiting, J., & Hawkins, A. (2021). The Sexual Mindfulness Project: An Initial Presentation of the Sexual and Relational Associations of Sexual Mindfulness. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 20(1), 32–49. https://doi.org/10.1080/15332691.2020.1757547

Leveque, H., & Pedersen, C. (2012). Emerging adulthood: an age of sexual experimentation or sexual self-focus? The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 21(3-4), 147–159.

Gusakova, S., Conley, T. D., Piemonte, J. L., & Matsick, J. L. (2020). The role of women’s orgasm goal pursuit in women’s orgasm occurrence. Personality and Individual Differences, 155, 109628–. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2019.109628

McSpadden, K. (2015, May 14). You Now Have a Shorter Attention Span Than a Goldfish. Time Magazine. Retrieved from https://time.com/3858309/attention-spans-goldfish/

Ogilivie, M. (2018). Can better sex be achieved with a bit of mindfulness? Toronto Star. Retrieved from https://www.thestar.com/life/2018/04/23/can-better-sex-be-achieved-with-a-bit-of-mindfulness.html

Robinson, M., Holmbeck, G., & Paikoff, R. (2007). Self-Esteem Enhancing Reasons for Having Sex and The Sexual Behaviors of African American Adolescents. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 36(4), 453–464. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10964-006-9116-8

Shors, T., Millon, E., Chang, H., Olson, R., & Alderman, B. (2017). Do sex differences in rumination explain sex differences in depression?: Sex Differences in Rumination and Depression. Journal of Neuroscience Research, 95(1-2), 711–718. https://doi.org/10.1002/jnr.23976